found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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