i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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