walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
