Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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