How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
