just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
