Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
