I wannas sexs uuuuu
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
