I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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