my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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