Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
