My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
