I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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