the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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