I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
