I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize