I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
