we're chasing vodka with high fives
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
