apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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