gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
