Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
