two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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