Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
