We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
