guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
cat food counts as protein by the way
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
