my vag is so smooth its legendary
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
