Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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