You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
