There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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