I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
