tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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