shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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