I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
