I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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