Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
