peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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