Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
