I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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