omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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