def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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