you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
