everyone is single if you try hard enough
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
