I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
