I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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