Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Shame - the story of my life.
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