This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
