I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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