my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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