I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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