I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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