I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize