I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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