There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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