dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
