I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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