I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
