I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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