just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
