Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
